i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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