Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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