DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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