I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
