Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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