$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
