Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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