so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
