If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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