why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
