cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
