U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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