The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were trust falling into bushes
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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