Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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