Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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