I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
