"it" just moved
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize