Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
