I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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