I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your shirt... Was in my pants
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
