I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
