Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
