I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize