if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
