sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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