I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
