its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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