my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
