I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
