im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
