i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
