We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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