i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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