just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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