Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
