I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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