I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
