Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
