Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
