Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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