I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
