I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
