I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
only you would photoshop your dick
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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