dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
