I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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