My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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