Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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