if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
