He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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