I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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