But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
