8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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