When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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