After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
