I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
